Welcome to Week 3 of Ask Dr. McCale!
If you're just joining us for the first time, this is a 6-Week series on the hard realities of unemployment. Our expert, Dr. McCale, recently published the book Waiting for Change: Impacts on life, family, work, and the new 99% reality. She also knows firsthand the anxiety that goes with being unemployed.
Here are the posts from this series, you may have missed so far:
The Inspiration Behind Waiting For Change
As a reminder, Ask Dr. McCale, will be posted every Friday through August 3rd.
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Q: In your book, you mention facing the embarrassment of having to apply for food stamps and going to a local food bank.
What would you say to readers who are about to face similar, yet necessary steps in their season of unemployment?
It’s hard to “get over” that feeling of embarrassment.
No one wants to do it. The statistics actually bear that out: most people turn to family and friends first before turning to social agencies.
I think so many people are hung up on the images of “soup kitchens” and how none of us wants to believe that we could be “those” people that we fail to understand that we – them? – we are all one in the same.
I think another element of embarrassment is the unknown: how will I be treated?
No one wants to put themselves in a vulnerable situation or place where you’re going to be looked down upon or further criticized…. Even if indirectly.
Lastly, I think a feeling that keeps most of us from reaching out is a sense of pride. None of us wants to feel like we can’t provide for ourselves or our families.
So these feelings often prevent people from reaching out for help – from using the services that are available.
I can’t speak for all the social service agencies who are there to help. But I can say that I found in my experience that I was the one walking in with my “back up” or on the watch to become defensive.
The people at these places – even the government service agencies – were incredibly nice even in light of being overwhelmed by the community’s needs.
So I think for most it’s a trade off: the (falsely) anticipated embarrassment and judgment versus getting your needs met. People make that decision often without any information, and in the face of the unknown won’t take the help that is available.
That was another reason why I wrote the book: to demystify the experience and if people are afraid to ask for help to at least let them know there are people who “get it” and really are there to help and see you as an individual – not as a burden.
Waiting for Change is available for sale via paperback and Kindle formats.
Thanks for sharing with us, Dr. McCale!
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I know the issue of food stamps is one my husband and I can personally relate to. So I thought I'd share a little bit about my thoughts and experience too.
Even though they now give you (at least they do in PA) a credit card to pay for your groceries instead of those old stamp booklets that shouted to the world while standing in the check out line that you're one of "those" people, I still found having to tell the cashier I was paying by EBT to be very humiliating.
I was grateful to have the help when we needed it, yet I often had conflicting emotions about it.
My husband rationalized our need to accept help by reminding me (and himself) that in all of his 25+ working years he paid far more into the "system" than what we were currently taking out. This was the first time either of us had ever needed to rely on state assistance for support. Remembering that truth helped us not feel like absolute failures, but it was still a daily emotional battle.
Additionally, I think states really need to re-evaluate how they measure the dollar amount provided to a family for monthly food stamps. I've heard in some cases the amount offered to a family is peanuts. That was not the case for us.
For a family of four, we received far more than we needed in a month for food. I think if it would have been open to purchasing other necessities such as toilet paper, laundry detergent, body wash, toothpaste, etc... the amount they supplied would have been perfect. Perhaps they were treating my 3 yr old and then 6yr old as adults in their nourishment requirements, when in reality they often eat like little birds.
Had I chosen to, my husband and I could have had high quality steak for dinner 3 nights a week on the money they provided. The reality is, for a family to truly survive there are other things they need besides just food. Sure you can make your own laundry detergent for less money than buying it, but there are still supplies needed to do so.
One other odd thing in our mind was this. Days after my husband was hired at his present job, he called the agency to let them know he was hired and they could shut off our benefits. We didn't want to rely on state assistance any longer than absolutely necessary. They refused to end our benefits until he provided a copy of his first pay check and even then they supplied us with another 30 days worth of benefit we didn't need.
Again, we appreciated the assistance but felt other families in greater need could have used that money.
Overall, I will agree with Dr. McCale in that the people at these agencies are very helpful and very nice. They don't come across in a judging sort of way at all. So yes, if you have the need, accept the help your state will provide. I think many states also provide free medical care for children of families in these situations. It's definitely worth a phone call to find out what assistance you and your family qualify for.
Do you have firsthand experience with a food bank or soup kitchen? What about having to rely on food stamps? We would love for you to share your experience with us in the comments below.
Join us back here again next Friday for Week 4: Making Big Decisions After a Layoff
Get your copy of UnEMPLOYED Faith today for only $4.99.
In the book, I share the raw details of my story, while also offering 10 different tried and true coping tips for enduring your season of unemployment with strength and perseverance.
Also available for FREE download is this helpful resource: Praying Him Through Unemployment: 6 Week Prayer Guide.
Rosann, what a wonderful article with such helpful real life answers to the hard realities so many of us are going through. Thank you for sharing your story. My friend works at an outreach and she has demystfied so much of the programs that state and church, and community centers have. There is help out there when there is nowhere else to go. Thanks again for brining something so hard to talk about out into the open. Much love to you.
Hi Kathy -
I'm so glad you have had personal experiences and that there is a kind individual such as your friend working to help others. In an economy like this, we certainly need more people like her!
I think the more we know and the more we share with others, pehaps we can begin to shed the guilt faster and be further on our way to getting back on our feet...?
cm
Kathy, as always it's a pleasure to have you stop by and comment. I know you've had personal experience with the absolute fear of unemployment at the most inopportune time. Your opinions and thoughts always mean the world to me.
HI rosann!!
Okay, so I just wanted to share our expierance . The agency here in CT , was terrible. We applied right after my husand lost his job. They were "backed" up and told us it will be a month until we get a response (this was back in the end of january) . We kept calling, still no help. It wasn't until last month in june, that they finally called my husand to continue with the process!! Thank the lord that he ended finding a job in april. It is only by the grace of our loving god that we made it without government assistance and with only the money coming in from unemployment which was next to nothing because my husband had to collect from AZ state even though the cost of living is more in CT ! Since my husand lost another job prior in AZ the law says he had to collect from that state instead of our current state because he still had a claim opened it AZ and it hadn't been a year yet!!! Oh were we beyond livid !!! Anyhow, i still get upset over all of this, the system I felt didn't work in our favor, but it goes to show how god brought us through with his help (may not always be the way we want or picture ) .
Oh WOW - that is truly a horrid story. I'm so sorry for you -- but I, too, am so happy for you that your husband found a job!
Congratulations! I hope your family never has to go through this experience again!
cm
Gina, what a mess! I can totally see how frustrating that must have been for you both. God is good. Even when we don't see Him at work in the moment, He's always got a beautiful plan in store for us. Everything in His perfect and wondrous timing! Sometimes we don't even see how He worked until we look back from a different perspective.
I think that as Christians, if we really believe that we are called to be humble servants to the "least of these", we need to be open to sometimes being the "least of these" ourselves. When we accept and understand ourselves as the least of these, then our service becomes less top-down and much more compassionate service between equals. I think that's how God wants us to serve. It is humbling to become the least of these, but isn't that what Christ did for us?
I also think that our extreme discomfort with the idea of having to take help rather than being the one to offer help points to our unhealthy relationship with money. As much as we'd like to think otherwise, we judge ourselves and others by our financial well being. When we're financially OK, we tell ourselves that we're OK because we work hard. But the waitress at Denny's works hard to. We tell ourselves that we're OK because we made good choices, but a farmer in Africa struggling to care for his family has made good choices in his context as well. As the bible says, "God makes the rain to fall and the sun to shine on the good and the evil alike." When we are blessed financially, we are blessed. When we are not blessed financially, we are blessed. There's no morality to financial well being per se. I think the challenge for our times is to let go of our insecurities and the sense of worth we are getting from money.
Rebecca -
You raise an excellent point. Part of the tragedy of this economic downturn is that so many people's identities, emotional self esteem, etc is tied up in our professional lifes and the financial success that comes from it.
Somewhere along the line we have become "bankers" or "real estate agents" or "teachers" -- not human beings.
Our self worth has ultimately become tied to our NET worth - the balance in our bank accounts. Of course this might be a simplistic way of saying this, but I do believe that in large part it's true.
Further, I think that somehow we have taken the notion of "self-reliance" -- a cultural ethos here in America -- to the extreme. Here, we put our elders in eldercare, where in many other countries around the world, families simply take care of one another. It is understood that there are times we take care of others, and there are times when others must take care of us.
Your post has given us many things to reflect on! Thanks for pointing these things out.
cm
Rebecca, Amen sister! The issue of money and constantly comparing myself to what others had as opposed to what I had was a heavy burden of sinful pride that I carried on my shoulders during our time of unemployment. Particularly as we came out of living the lifestyle of Keeping up with the Joneses. No matter what our financial situation has been or ever will be, we have been abundantly blessed. It took almost every moment of our three years out of work for me to learn that valuable lesson.
Part of my mission here is to continually encourage others to find those blessings in their storm, because they are there and more often then not, they are abundant and rich blessings when seen through a heartfelt, humble eye. Things like healthy children, wisdom, food available when we need it, a roof over our head (somehow, someway), transportation, family we can turn to, the ability to reach out to God for comfort and refuge.... everyone's list is different, but we all have one. The key is to recognize that we are not the one to credit for those blessings.
What a touching article. There is such a stigma attached to asking for help in most any form, isn't there? And I loved your reminder that we are all one.
Rosey - thank YOU for reading.
cm
Rosey, pride can often hurt more than help. Sometimes we have to humble our hearts and accept help. A painful choice, but usually the right one at the time. Thanks so much for stopping by and reading!
I think as with everything there are people who need to use these services due to unfortunate circumstances and others who abuse the system. Having volunteered in a food bank for many years I saw this first hand. The ones that truly need it are often too embarrassed to ask for the help, but I think they are the ones who should and people wouldn't judge them. We have been lucky not to need to use this to date, but in the future if we were to need it I am sure it would be difficult to take that first step to get this help. Thanks for sharing.
Katy -
Of course, you are right. There are always those "rotten apples" who ruin things for everyone, isn't there?
But in this case, I think our soiety and culture don't help matters any. The media - for all the GOOD and POSITIVE things it CAN do -- sometimes fall prey to reporting on the outrageous or extremes, and unfortunately create a situation where they help to foster (or reinforce) stereotypes, that are then amplified by political candidates and others who perhaps have never been so humbled.
Perhaps we have been conditioned as a society into "making good first impressions" or "dressing for success" that we forget that those around us are not "images" - they are people. And when we create layers of masks or falsehoods, we do "protect" ourselves from others' harsh judgements, but we also "isolate" ourselves from those who can help us.
Even when we might have nothing in the kitchen cabinets....
Thanks for offering that good reminder.
cm
Katy, this is so true. I was just speaking about this with my husband last night. All too often I see hurtful comments left in Facebook about how lazy the unemployed are and how the person commenting has to work their butt off to support all of these people who "don't want to get off their butt's and go to work." I cringe when I see that because it makes me wonder, 1) how would that person's view change if they found themselves standing in the unemployment line, or at the food bank, or crying and begging their landlord to give them just a few more weeks to scrape up rent? Additionally, do people not watch the news? Do they really believe that 23 million American's just up and decided one day (to take a line from the movie Office Space), "I don't feel like going to work today...ya...I'm not ever going to go back to work...and I'm not going to pay my bills today either. I just don't feel like it." Really? Does our society truly believe that? It breaks my heart. These are human beings with families and they are losing everything! Again, one of the reasons I have such a heart for this topic and mission. Everyone deserves to be loved and not judged.
I can only imagine how you felt during those times and am glad that you're able to share your experience with others who may be going through the same thing.
Hi Anne -
I only know this from my own perspective... but when I started to come out of the malayse of emotions associated with the Great Recession and its impacts on me personally, I recognized that what was being reported on the news felt rather "hollow" and lacked the personal connections. Oh sure - the media reported the "news" which meant "numbers." But people -- I -- are not/am not a number.
I felt like there was a story "lacking" and that if I could integrate the numbers behind this national crisis, with the emotional and personal impacts that people are facing - and in some cases may never recover from - then perhaps if more and more people could read the story, learn from it, and even be just a tiny bit kinder to the neighbor next door who just lost his job, then it might be worth the effort in writing the book.
I can only hope that as the book's message spreads through good people like you, that the book starts to fall into the hands of people who can truly effect change for those who are still struggling through unemployment.
cm
Thanks for your kind words, Anne. It's always a pleasure having you visit here.
Yay! I can finally comment! I am in awe of how you can take a really sticky situation (and Food Stamps are about as sticky as some people want to get) and spin it in such a light that is so full of love and compassion. It is so nice that, with a few words, you manage to bring the stigma out into the light and give it less power by reminding us how we are all one community.
I am ever so grateful to have found such a warm and kind community of readers such as all of you, and such a generous host in Rosann.
Thank you all for your continued interest in this topic and your support of Rosann's "haven".
cm
Thanks Christina! {blush} You are so kind.
Jacqueline, it's always a blessing having you visit and comment. And I'm so grateful Dr. McCale agreed to participate in this 6-Week Series. I truly believe God will put these words in front of the people who need to read it and be encouraged by it.
Blessings friend!
~Rosann
Oh how I remember this well. Twice we have had to rely on others in ways we never had before. Once for several months after my husband was hit by a car and was out of work for several months to recover and then again a few years later when he was laid off at work for a year. Thankfully I was working fulltime during these moments, but even that wasn't enough to support our family. So we actually had to apply for help. Of course the second time was much easier, but that first time...oh how hard that was. More so for my husband as the "provider". He went through moments of depression over it. And we told no one. I think over time it became easier for him to accept knowing that we had helped make this same assitance available to others for the many years that we have been working. So sad that there are some that will continue to struggle without asking for help because of how others will perceive it. Thanks so much for sharing this!
What an excellent point Wendy, and one that so closely ties to Rosann's mission. As women, perhaps we are more able to ask for help (ie: ask for directions?)
but for many men, the idea of "provider" is a powerful one... and not easily overcome.
Life would be so much easier if we did not have to encounter these times... but perhaps it is because of these reminders that make us so willing to reach out and help others when we recognize ourselves in them.
cm
Wendy, I'm so glad your husband recovered from his horrific accident. That must have been such a test of faith for you both. Sometimes I think the depression is the hardest part to deal with when we have to humble ourselves to accepting help from others. My husband struggled with the exact same thing. Men are raised to be providers and when they feel they've failed at doing so, it's a tough nut for them to swallow. My husband is still very quiet about this topic, yet so supportive to me in allowing me to share our very raw and emotional story with the world. He knows our pain is being used for good to help and encourage others, but it doesn't take the scar from it away. For either of us.
Blessings and thanks so much for sharing your experience.
~Rosann
Rosann... I have had my own personal experience with food stamps and with the EBT system. I remember the feeling humiliation as I discreetly would hand the cashier my "monopoly like" money and she would hold the bills way up high to count them... at least the EBT"card" is a little more inconspicuous since I'm the only one the has to handle it. I agree with your husband, between my husband and I we've more than paid our dues... we have been forced to get a little help from the system with our monthly food budget. Here in Texas they aren't as generous with their help because there is no way we could afford to eat steak three times a week. It's been a tough yet humbling experience this one of unemployment.
My job was eliminated at the end of June. I just recently got an application for food stamps, but the way I look at it (like Roseann's husband), I've worked since I was 19 (I'm over 40 now), and as a single mom, I need the help. I do get child support, but it's barely enough to cover utilities, and I won't be needing food stamps for long (or at least I hope not), so I don't see why anyone would be embarrassed if they truly need the help.
I know I am late to the party and I hope all the ladies who had both good and bad will be able to see this and my prayer is that it will make you feel better. You see, I'm a walking encyclopedia about the Food Stamp Program, now called SNAP. I have worked for 18 years in social services with the first 10 determining eligibility and then administering the program. My husband is our state's director of Electronic Payment Systems which administers EBT: Food Stamps (FS). There are 15 food and nutrition programs at FNS/USDA of which FS is the cornerstone. FS is one of the only pure Federal Programs in social services which means the rules, requirements, and benefits are exactly the same in every single state, no matter what the economy is. It was created by John F. Kennedy before his death and pushed through the legislative process after his death by Lyndon Johnson. Your federal taxes pay for this program, no state taxes go into the benefit. In our state, a central southern state that has less population compared to the coasts and currently we have $75 million per MONTH coming into our state through FS benefits. It is more in other states. The reason you cannot buy toiletries etc... with FS is because the program was not set up specifically to help the poor, it was set up to help the farmer get his products to market (grocery stores), subsidize the farmer's crops so he could make a living, help the trucking industry stay in business as well as the grocery stores count on this federal subsidy so they could build more stores in more rural areas and FINALLY - the LAST reason was to bring nutrition to those who are income eligible. Farmers do not make toilet paper or laundry detergent so no subsidy. The Farm Bill (now being argued in Washington) does not distinguish between the sugar cane farmer and the wheat farmer and the beef rancher - THAT is why you can buy a candy bar or ground beef. It has nothing to do with what's more nutritious because that isn't why the program was set up.
Did you know that the FS program is why, in better financial times, you do not pay more for food at the grocery store? I believe that if you are income eligible it is the least you can do to contribute to the economy - keeping my grocery bill low and your's too when you return to employment. We are the only country to have this program and if you have ever grocery shopped in a foreign country, you would be thankful for FS!
Because FS is primarily for farmers and ranchers, there is very little work component in the FS equation, although that is changing. There are 3 kinds of food stamps as determined by FNS: Emergency - that means within 3 days. Expedited - that means within 7 days. Regular - that means within 30 days. If you have more than $200 in income during the month you apply, you will get regular. The state only administers the program and rules - the feds make up the rules.
Did you know you can buy seeds to plant a garden with FS? You can also use coupons with FS to make those dollars go further. You will have to pay a tax on the coupons but it is usually less than a dollar and can stretch that FS money very far!
It is also against the law for any grocery store employee to single out, discriminate, comment - or even roll their eyes at a FS recipient and the grocery store is endangered of losing it's certification to take FS if that happens and is reported. There are undercover FS workers in every state that Mystery Shops and catches that happening as well as stores that aren't really stores at all and buy FS for 50 cents on the dollar. Lots of people talk about fraud in FS - mostly politicians. Food Stamp fraud in the US by people is about 3%. Food Stamp fraud by grocery stores or those pretending to be grocery stores is the largest problem. But people don't know that.
It's the shame involved that keeps people from talking about it - and politicians make hay running for office and pointing to others and saying they do nothing and live off the fat of the land. Wrong - it's the business owners that do it.
I once had the priviledge of speaking with Bob Dole, one of the authors of the Food Stamp Act of 1977. I asked him why he never talked about the finest and most inclusive economic programs in the history of the US, because he obviously believe strongly in the program. He answer was this, "no one ever got elected on the Food Stamp ticket". So, next time a politician starts yammering about how it's a bad program and we should do away with it - ask him or her what the farmers and grocery store owners would do...........see what his/her answer is. Because most grocery stores receive from 50 - 96% of most grocery stores is from FS EBT.
Okay, sorry - now I'm off my soap box. I just hate the way the program has been demonized since the beginning of the program in 1964. Thank you. KK
Wow Kelli! You are a wealth of knowledge. Thank you so much for your wonderful comment. I greatly appreciate it and I know those who stumble across this article and comments will get benefit from your wisdom.
Blessings,
~Rosann
We are a SNAP family.
My husband? Former pastor who, outside of the church, found it extremely difficult to find a job to provide for the family. So he went back to school, get a second bachelors and hopes to teach. Me? Working 3 jobs and still only bringing in 2500/mo on a good month! Did I mention our 5 adorable children? Our family doesn't know. They already disagree w us "leaving the ministry". They wonder if we are in hard times because we are outside of God's will. Just today I overheard a coworker at school talk about "those families" who apply for free and reduced lunch year after year. She siad she'd like to sit on her butt at home and get free stuff. Being on SNAP? Mortifying.
I hear ya, Steph. It's not easy. It never was for me. We could have qualified for free lunches for our kids too, but my husband was afraid the school or their peers would somehow put a negative label on our kids. So we continued to pay for the lunches. It really is mortifying. But it's about survival. Sometimes we have to swallow our pride and trust where God is taking us.
Now u can personalize your ebt card so it doesn't look like food stamps card with a product called food stamps skin or ebt skin, I bought one from http://WWW.foodstampscovers.com